April 12, 2011


  • from Wings of Desire, design by Alexander McQueen

    I've spent the last two hours searching images for my collection and my other blog. I'm not sure it qualifies as a hobby, exactly, but it's one of my favourite diversions. It's kind of amazing how much thought I put into what I post and in what order. But I have always been overly cautious since Every Move I Make Necessarily Must Have Dire Consequences. 

    I can't explain from where this fear appeared. Obviously it had something to do with my parents, who were big on Following Through. But when I think back on my childhood, I really didn't do much to inspire punishment. I never considered they'd not make good on a threat and so I rarely tested them. (Though when I did, they would say I was impossible in my insolence.)

    In retrospect, the repercussions to bad behaviour were minimal (wait in the car, get grounded). If I'd been more adventurous I would have soon found rebellion was more fun than its result was a distress. Ultimately, I was hampered by an inability to balance my anticipation. I never could stop myself from playing out every negative scenario to its tragic end: what if I fail this math test and get grounded and the day after I get grounded Maureen invites me to a party and at that party is the perfect boy who will make me acceptable but because I don't study now I can't go and he ends up going steady with Kathy instead and she lives a perfect life and I die under a bridge. And if that's the case then it's probably better to just go along.

    It's why my life has taken such a haphazard path. I hate making decisions and so make as few a humanly possible. What if I'm wrong? Stupid? Reckless? Rather I drift, catching the currents of other lives until I'm forced to break away (as usurpers always are). Splash, struggle, flail, then on to the next. It's interesting, but I don't recommend it. It turns out Not Making Choices is actually a choice and saddled with ramifications of its own.

    It's also why the world of still images suits me very well. It contains and requires no action and I am free to contemplate, cache or discard. It's a decision made and land-locked.

    To hell with all that pesky, unpredictable movement.

    g.