May 2, 2011

• I shouldn’t be posting from work. I shouldn’t be posting at all when I feel like this. But it can’t be helped. I am having one of those moments when I feel absolutely desperate – like nothing is right or will ever be, like there is nothing to look forward to or even back on to make me feel better. I don’t even have the luxury of torment. At this moment I see a life littered only with petty annoyance and falling expectation.

  Obviously, the last was some measure of hyperbole – lest some reader start down the “you don’t know what it is to suffer people are sick and dying and starving and oppressed” road. I don’t want torment in answer to whatever this is – but it pains me I can feel so very badly without some quantifiable reason. 

  Sometimes, when I get this way, I tell myself, “Self, everyone has days like this.” If the internet has taught me anything (jury’s out) it would be that there isn’t an emotion, a thought, an experience I can have that hasn’t been felt, thought or experienced a million times before. No special snowflakes, we. But today! Today this hopelessness rushes over me – my chest is tight, my eyes constantly full of tears – and I wonder. What if this really is madness?

  I need some kind of break from this – and I begin to care very little how I might achieve it.

   

   

  • 12:44 pm
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