April 7, 2011

  • No more screwing around.

    I just read this and, after letting my heart break for a second (how many times do we have to be reminded it's what we don't do that we regret?) I have decided it's time to put my foot down. No more screwing around. I either write every day or I stop pretending I can. Or I will later. Or whatever it is I tell myself to keep from drowning in the possibility I have, somehow, become a career secretary engaged to a dog walker*.

    It's not going to be pretty, but if you come back here you have no one to blame but yourself.

    Some of the advice in the post I linked said, "Write what you want to read." So what's that? 

    I want someone to tell me the world is beautiful - not because it is a valuable lesson or because it there are nice people among the mean ones. I want to believe it's beautiful just because it is - shitty, awesome, whatever. I want to find new ways to look at things so I don't forget how. I want someone to reassure me that even though there may not be any reason for anything, at the end of it all, it will have been worth it just because I was there. I want to know what people are thinking - how they parse out the world. Partly it's because I want to see if I'm okay and partly because I want to see if they have something to teach me. And I want to laugh. Laughing is good for you - I know this because a bunch of doctors said so. 

    It's a tall order. I'm not sure I'm qualified to teach anyone things or whether or not anyone will want to know what I think. I have no idea if I can make anyone laugh (that one is particularly intimidating). But I'm pretty sure I can just say what I see and that will cover the other stuff. 

    At least I will be doing something.
    g.

     

     

    *This is meant to illustrate the dismal bare-bones fact of the thing and emphasize the chasm between the person I want to be and how I see myself. I have no problem with being a writer who pays the bills doing secretarial work - most writers need day jobs. I also have no issues with people who love being secretaries and want to do that and only that all their lives. Considering the number of shitty writers vs the number of good secretaries, I'd say we need more of the latter than the former. I am NOT passing some negative judgement on secretaries or dog walkers or on my fiancée, whom I absolutely adore. But I will admit it does make me sad that I don't think he is doing the thing that would make him happy, either.

     


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